Smokers are Jokers

Tomorrow will mark the completion of eleven weeks of no smoking. Not bad, right? I will admit that I smoked three cigarettes, but that ain't so bad considering I used to smoke a hell of a lot more. That is three cigarettes in 77 days. So for those of you who say "smoking three cigarettes is not quitting" I say F off. Those three cigarettes may have saved lives.

Here are my findings to date.

I still want to smoke, but not all the time. Most of the time I don't even think about it. I don't even think it is the nicotine. It is usually only when I have my little episodes of rage. I am thinking this is because when something would go wrong in my smoking days, I would grab a cigarette and go outside. There, I would calm down and think about the situation while I smoked. When I came back inside, I would not be angry at all. I would be cool, calm MC. I miss her. So I am going to try to just take some deep breaths and count to ten or maybe 100. Yeah. I think 100 would be better. And deep yoga like breaths. It will be like smoking without the smoke. I am brilliant.

I feel like I am rich. I cannot believe how little money I spend. Cigarettes are really expensive. It's almost $6 a pack to smoke now. When I would stop at Wawa to buy cigarettes, I would pick up a few other things. So suddenly I would be spending $10 to $15 a stop. Just two weeks ago, I realized on a Thursday that I had no cash on me and that I had had no cash at all that week. I hadn't used any credit or mac either. Four days without spending a dime? That is not like me. I should probably buy more things for myself now with all this extra money.

I have a keener sense of smell. This sounds like a good thing, but it has kinda backfired on me. For about a week straight, I would occasionally have a really bad smell in my office. It would just come and go. I would search frantically through the drawers of my desk, search the garbage, sniff my armpits and shoes, look behind every standing piece of furniture. Nothing. No obvious source of the stench. Finally, I caught on that the sound of a toilet flushing would shortly follow the onset of the order. Yep. The men's room is right on the other side of my wall. And do men have no shame? Stuff like that doesn't happen in the ladies' room. It's really offensive.

I used to read like crazy. I love books. Turns out I really loved to sit on my porch, read a book and smoke cigarettes. So I haven't been reading so much because it makes me want to smoke. I am going to try to find something else to fool myself with (besides food...) while I'm reading, but haven't figured it out yet. I'm sure it will be brilliant when I do.

When I first went for the counseling, the chick told me that the whole "quit smoking, gain weight" thing was a myth. According to her, 1/3 of people gain weight, 1/3 lose weight and 1/3 remain at the same weight. Guess which third I fall into? Hello fatty! It sucks. Food tastes so freakin' delicious though.

Breathing is really easy.

I suddenly am paranoid about my breath. This never happened when I smoked. So I may not develop lung cancer, but I'm convinced that I have halitosis.

I am no longer a social outcast. Smokers know what I mean.

I have turned into a hermit. Well kind of. I am finally getting over my grumpiness and am returning to a semi-normal person. I have avoided talking to people on the phone sometimes because I'm afraid I won't be able to be nice. Even other people's niceness was pissing me off there for a while. My own husband would tell me he loves me and I would want to kick him in the balls. So I've got to get back into the loop.

I feel really proud of myself. It's f'ing hard, but I've been good. Very satisfying.

One more day and I will be smoke free!

And God give me the strength. I have made a monumental decision to stop smoking. Smoking has been a daily part of my life for a long time, so it is a little daunting. All of the reasons to quit are obvious. Before I get to that list though, I'm going to tell you why I smoke. I started as a teenager and at the time, I totally thought it was cool. I am over the cool factor now, but now have an addiction.

Believe it or not, smoking can have a bonding effect with people. I know that when I go to a bar or restaurant, while I am outside smoking there will definitely be some smoking buddies there. I have had some good conversations with these fellow "buttheads".

Cigarettes are also my friends. They are a comfort to me. When I am sad, bored, tired, stressed...They are always there for me, more so than some other things in my life. They are reliable.

There is also a momentary gratification from smoking. I feel a need, I smoke a cigarette and then I have a feeling of a hunger being satisfied. I know I know... That is my addiction being fed.

So there is that list. I'm sure this one will be a little longer!

Smoking is stinky. I hate the smell of my clothes, my hair and my car after smoking. And yes there are times when my breath literally does smell like an ashtray. Gross.

The health risks are just not worth it. I actually purchase a product that has a warning on it with what the serious health risks are. Then I proceed to open up that product, light it and inhale smoke. Umm...why did I start this again?? Any smoker that tells you that they are unconcerned with developing some terrible disease from smoking is lying. We all know the real risks and that we could die from this habit someday. My excuse? I always thought that it would take years of smoking and that I would quit long before I could get sick. Now I am 14 years into the habit and it is time to stop. My health is at risk.

Smoking makes me antisocial with the people who matter. I may meet new friends while outside a bar smoking, but why would I worry about them? There are really few smokers left that I know. It is not so cool to be at a bar, restaurant or party and in the middle of a conversation saying "I'll be right back. I'm gonna go smoke real quick." It's kind of rude, now that I think about it. I have one sister who still smokes and a couple of friends. They are not friends that I see often though. The people that I hang out with the most are all nonsmokers.

Bad weather. Wow, we smokers are committed people. 30 degrees in February? You bet your ass I'll be outside smoking! Is it fun? Not really. Do I do it? Yes. Do I know why? Not really. Rainy day? The car window is cracked and my one arm, one leg and car door are soaked.

Sickness. When I get a cold or a cough, it lasts a hell of a lot longer than the average person's cold.

Getting harrased by people. "You know that isn't good for you." "You're going to get cancer." "God I wish you would stop." What else can I say besides "I know I know". That is what I have been saying for some time now, followed by "I'll quit". I usually try to hide smoking from kids, particularly my nieces and nephews. Well, I was not so subtle one time and my four year old nephew looks at me and says "I want a candle too". Ouch.

Most of all, I want to quit for my darling husband and my family. My husband is a non-smoker, who will look me right in the eye and say "I love you and want you to be with me for a long time". He really means it too. As grossed out as I get by smoking, I cannot imagine how he hugs and kisses someone who smells like cigarettes. He has put up with it for a long time, so I hope I am strong enough to do this for him and myself. Keep your fingers crossed for me!